Contraction

"Can I help who's next?"

The mantra of the person at the service counter
An aggravation. A provocation to this grammar pedant

For the question always sounds awkward to these ears
As it appears to be a contraction of "Can I help whoever's next?"¹
A contraction born of sheer number of times the question is uttered every day

Mind you, I too would seek to minimize the number of syllables I have to say
I too would pay lip service to the corporate overlords that write my welcome script

It struck me, however, that a little syntax could come to the rescue
That my naysaying can be remedied with some punctuation
For, if rendered as "Can I help? Who's next?"
The insertion of a question mark would solve the concern

The only problem is that, in practice, it never sounds like two questions
And so my ears continue to screech at the damn contraction²:

"Can I help who's next?"

Contraction, a playlist

A mostly dance soundtrack for this pedantic note (spotify version)

• Can I help you? by Amnesty
  From the crate digger's soul/funk holy grail album
• Can I help you by Dani Hageman
• Who's next? by Neighborhood Kids
• What can I help you with now? by Slick Stomp
• Contraction by Dxstxnce
• Can I help you by Adam Veldt
• Can I help you by Notches
• Contraction by Copy
• Next! by NCTS
• Contraction by Pau viguer
• How can I help you by Riverlabs

Bonus beats Excuse me Miss by Jay-Z

...

1. A former linguist pointed out that "Can I help the person who is next?" might be a better source for the contraction. I concur, although like the service industry invocation of Can I help the next customer? (or client, guest or whatever term The Company's service manual recommends), it is quite the mouthful. ↩
2. A political scientist harkened to the more salutory New York City contraction "Next!" which, with its conscision and emphatic declarative stance, minimizes the demands on the speaker, clarifies the intent to the bearer, reframes the mooted question as an exclamation, serves the proletarian interest being amenable to be uttered by a grunt while still paying lip service to the transactional demands of capital. I heartily recommend the practice. ↩

See previously Public Nuisance Number 64 and Ode to the word nuisant

File under: Small Things, language, syntax, grammar, bureaucracy, culture, observation, perception, humour, poetry, toli




Writing log: May 31, 2025