I can't take it any longer; there are too many huhudious things going on, this silly season has got to end. This is a cry for help. Somebody please help me, help me please. Believe me, I tried to wait until the end of May.
Part 8 of the Things Fall Apart series: an illustration of the B-Movie Theory.
huhudious adj. an outrageous statement or a point of view or behaviour that beggars belief. A close synonym to hubristic, breathtaking and preposterous, with the same notion of brazen, yet insouciant, arrogance on the part of the interlocutor. Pronounced hoo-hoo-dious, this word is a neologism from the people of Ghana, coined circa 1975 when military buffoons were looting the country's finances while claiming they were fighting corruption.There are unsubstantiated claims of an Akan derivation from the Fante (Fanti) word huhuhu which means big according to some, or hearsay or rumor, according to others. A few "globalization" etymologists have posited a sonic and hence linguistic relationship to the Yiddish notion of chutzpah albeit rendered as an adjective rather than a noun. I tend to discount such connections. More apt is the link to that other Fanti word bohu: to cause fear and concern. Thus huhudious has a sense of something offensively bombastic, calculated to stir anxiety. It is a case of there being no "there" there.
Huhudious was one of my favourite words growing up, and it was a joy to hear whenever it was deployed by The Parents. This was often accompanied with a look of indignation, exasperation and outrage as things in Ghana seemed to be falling apart. It was also soothing to the ear, mellifluous rather than strident. The aural proximity to "woo hoo" conferred a certain celebratory impart to its use; a verbal gotcha in short. Often a few paragraphs away would be that other word, kalabule, or "doing things in shady ways". That word hasn't aged gracefully in Ghana even as the phenomenon it describes continues to be background noise. The dividing line between the two words is like that between gremlins and parasites: no one really gets their panties in a twist about parasites, they're everywhere in life; gremlins however... those are interesting little critters... Thus kalabule implies garden-variety corruption; huhudious doings, on the other hand, are destined to be regaled in conspiratorial gossip or toli as it were. On reflection, it should have been a bittersweet thing that huhudious was said so frequently in my life, but it is often in pointing out malarkey that we are able to deal with this troubled world of ours.
I use it in many different contexts but, rather than give you my take, I'll lay out a few examples of its usage, taken from various Ghanaian newspapers and online forums and perhaps tie it to a few anecdotes that have stuck in my mind over the past year.
A Huhudious Index
Macho * Cheese and Vindaloo * Breaking News * Thundersnow * Editorial Decisions * Crocodile Tears "Don't Bring Yourself" * Anaesthetic * Echo Chamber? * Plagiarist for President * Coronations * The Beatification of Actors * Of Wider Applicability * Awards Ceremony * Photo-ops * "Gitmo-ize" * "Blood" * A Spring Day * A Cautious Experiment * Kingmakers of Redmond * The Chinese are Coming * Bongo Drums * Axis of Hypocrisy * The B-movie Theory * The Full Bolton
Sample Usage I
"But what is all this huhudious media coverage?"See also: Supremely Supine and White House Press Corps.
Sample Usage II
"A situation that prepared the way for Samuel Kanyon Doe, and then Charles Taylor, Prince Johnson and all the other warlords with huhudious names."
After my recent huhudious confession of a social bookmarking "affair" to The Wife, this photograph seemed quite appropriate:
Or am I revealing too much about my family life?
Cheese and Vindaloo
In Britain, silly season traditionally starts on the Bank Holiday at the end of May. Last year was no exception, on a page opposite a story about a tragic murder-rape,
was the following: Downhill cheese race goes smoothly
Following a patently ridiculous but 200-year-old tradition, dozens of people put their safety at risk yesterday in Gloucestershire to chase cheese down a 1-in-2 incline.I've elided the other photo on the page which was a small photo of the murder victim, captioned "Stabbed..." The caption of the photo on the right was "Chris Anderson leads the cheese racers at the annual run down Cooper's Hill, Gloucestershire. He won the 8lb cheese and sprained his ankle."
Chris Anderson, the winner of one of four races, was taken to hospital clutching his prize cheese to his chest after he sprained his ankle.
Anderson, a 17-year-old window fitter, believed the prize worth the pain, although he did not intend to eat the cheese.
But not everyone was happy with proceedings. Vegans branded the event "unethical" and said the cheese should be replaced with a non-dairy alternative.
Yvonne Taylor, chair of the animal rights campaign group Peta, said: "It's just not fair that vegans cannot enjoy the fun of the cheese rolling contest."
Whoever edited that newspaper clearly wanted silly season to start out on the right footing.
In another section of the same newspaper was the news that Blair faces hard fight to keep reforms on track on the response to the French No vote on the European Constitution. You might recall that I addressed the French No vote in The France IBM Connection.
The story went as follows:
The Foreign Office accepts that a British referendum in the wake of no votes in France and Holland would take Mr Blair's so-called masochism strategy to the level of a suicidal mania.Suffice to say that the Brits are well practiced in the art of silly season.
Mr Blair's response is a bit like offering a child a vindaloo curry after they have just said they don't eat spicy food.
In the American past, silly season traditionally lasted from Memorial Day to Labor Day; the dog days of August are notorious low points in the public discourse. As Andrew Card said apropos the WMD hype and the "bureaucratic reasons" (in Paul "The General's estimate is 'wildly off the mark'" Wolfowitz's words) that bamboozled the US into the Iraq quagmire, "You don't launch a new product in August". It is not just war however, there are also elections, and August is when Swift Boat plots are hatched. We have seen that, in contrast to the Brits, seasons have been abolished in 21st century America which has seen year-round silliness. El Niño, or something, applied to life.
I was sitting in my barber's chair, it was mid-afternoon, conversation had stalled hence we were watching Judge Mathis on the overhead television (I knew of Judge Judy but this was the first time watching Judge Mathis). The topic was a young black man complaining that his lovely white, nubile roommate had been too sexually suggestive and was harassing him with her approaches and the provocative attire that she wore around the apartment they shared. He testified about his sexual discomfort with her friskiness; she obviously couldn't believe that he was now suing her for being herself let alone plainly attracted to him. But this is America and everything gets resolved in courts, after the lawyers, or in this case, the television station, takes their cut.
This being a black barbershop, you can imagine the banter that was going on as we watched. We were clowning the guy with your typical hetero male posturing "I would have hit that in a second... That boy's crazy.. Fine woman like that throwing herself at you... Some people... What is he thinking?... etc". The old men and even the little kids were joining in as they could see the cluelessness of the guy.
All of a sudden there was a Breaking News interruption. Now this was a day that was one of the bloodiest of days in Iraq in 2005, you might remember it even though there has been a disquieting sameness of desolation ever since. It was a day in which there were 10 or more bomb blasts and "spectacular incidents" throughout the country. If I remember correctly, there were other spectacularly bad news items on the economic and social policy front that day. I worried that perhaps this news was of body bags, layoffs or worse, a Presidential speech or anything. About the only thing I could think that could interrupt Judge Mathis (who after all is like King Solomon) was perhaps the Michael Jackson trial (yes you remember that episode don't you? - that was going on at the time).
The newscaster came on. A nice blond talking head, she exuded telegenic, Gattaca-like perfection and vapidity. She said:
"This just in. A seal has been found dead on the shore of Quincy Beach."That was the extent of story. They didn't have pictures of the seal or even stock footage of the beach, there was no indication on whether this was a rare event, if seals were an endangered species or anything. There was no other context.
"Stay tuned for more details."
Cut to commercial.
Now a certain amount of frivolity is expected during silly season, but as my hair got clipped in my barbershop chair, the entire barbershop cohort couldn't help but shake our heads and say that this breaking news was what the US media has been about for the past 5 years. Our previous barbershop banter about housing prices, job security, Iraq, race, pollution, love, fun, sex, church were all for naught. All these conversations on issues large and small needed to stop because of this breaking news. Oh well...
We never figured out what Judge Mathis's verdict was for the couple because, by the time the TV returned to our regularly scheduled programming, the show had ended. We switched the television set off immediately.
These are strange days: we even mess with Judge Mathis.
"Lining up all these men with huhudious titles to perform ceremonial acts."Note a well-worn quote:
"Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job".
See also: Senate panel says FEMA is beyond repair and should be disbanded.
Oh Katrina. Oh Rita. Oh FEMA.
I learned a new word last December and saw something I'd never seen before. The word was thundersnow; the event was the presence of lightning and thunder during a severe snow storm.
"They did not foresee the sharp drop in air pressure that created what meteorologists call "thundersnow". A low-pressure system sweeping northward from the mid-Atlantic coast yesterday morning got a boost of low pressure from a system moving east over New York State. Snowflakes provided conductivity, and the result was booming thunder, flashes of lightning, and more snow."
I have traveled across oceans and logged thousands of miles in my lifetime journey as a beast of no nation. Still, at the moment that I saw, with my own eyes, snow falling and lightning striking the ground simultaneously (not to mention those flakes drifting horizontally), I thought the God's must be crazy. At that terrible sound of thunder, I was ready to return home, if indeed home would still have me. Huhudious weather has me Shuffering & Shmilling.
I worked at home on Wednesday, June 15, 2005 and flipped between the BBC America TV newscast and the lunchtime edition of NBC News on television. These are the stories that were reported.
BBC America newscast
In other news, a seal was found dead on the shore of Quincy Beach. Anyway stay tuned. Gas prices have doubled since 2001.
While we're on the topic of June 2005, remember what was important back then? Too long ago was it? Well I remember. Remember if you will that this was 8 months after a certain election. This was the headline
Yale grades portray Kerry as a lackluster student, His 4-year average on par with Bush'sApparently because John Kerry got bad grades in his first year at Yale, we should be happy for the intellectual gravitas the 43rd president of the United States brings to the table. Indeed all was well in the land and the assurance the story was supposed to give was that the right decision had been made.
I have no words for the buyer's remorse that apparently is now being felt.
"Don't Bring Yourself"
There's a Ghanaian pidgin expression, "Don't bring yourself", which means pretty much what you'd expect, something like "I don't want to hear it" or "Talk to the hand". The indignant expression is often followed by a scrunching of the cheeks, and grunt that sounds like "Tchew".
Please don't bring yourself with that "we were duped" business. Please don't bring yourself with the more accurate "we were hurt but he's our sonofabitch" line of Realpolitik.
Please. Stand up and be counted.
Don't bring yourself.
Josh and Cindy have flown out to Colorado from their home in Circleville, Ohio, with two distinct goals in mind. The first is to get plastered - not a difficult task, as it turns out, because they have been drinking ever since they arrived at Columbus airport at 4am, and it's now pushing seven in the evening. And the second is to get married in front of a whole theatre full of fellow drinkers at a shindig known as the second annual Modern Drunkard Convention.If no one offers me Prozac, I'm inclined to attend the 3rd Modern Drunkard convention... In other news, the Modern Drunkard magazine has seen its circulation go through the roof and now there are even books: Boys behaving badly score their own literary genre
A new word was coined in America this week: fratire. It refers to a spate of testosterone-fuelled books about belligerence and debauchery, leglessness and legovers, which publishers hope will spawn the male equivalent of chick-lit.
A jury awarded $500,000 Friday to a woman who was spanked in front of her colleagues in what her employer called a camaraderie-building exercise.
The Washington Post's Jim VandeHei who like me celebrates small things cut straight to the chase last Friday and asked outgoing White House press secretary Scott McClellan the following as President Bush was traveling to New Orleans:
"My question would be, is there a White House policy that all government TVs have to be tuned to Fox?"You might call this a frivolous journalistic pursuit but there is a method behind VandeHei's line of question: as we know, when Dick Cheney travels to a hotel, his advance team make sure that the "all televisions tuned to Fox News" provision is enforced.
[snip prevarications and bemusement]
"Well, the magic people at the other end of the phone ... I was told, 'We don't watch CNN here, you can only watch Fox,'", VandeHei said.
[more prevarications and bemusement]
Plagiarist for President
For all the talk about plagiarism these days and the gleeful focus on the fall of "model minorities", say Jayson Blair at the New York Times, that beleaguered young white republican, Ben Domenech at the Washington Post, and that young, nubile and photogenic Kaayva woman, I often wonder why we don't celebrate the gotchas about the more important hustlers.
For God's sake, Russian President Vladimir Putin plagiarized his PhD thesis from two University of Pittsburgh professors. I realize that Russia is a shadow of the old Soviet Union but it bears thinking about. The Russian President, one of the most powerful men in the world, plagiarized his dissertation, and weeks later there is hardly a squeak. And there's a big to-do over a piddling half a million dollar contract.
It all depends on who is doing the plagiarizing I suppose.
There's also the analogy with the way Alan Greenspan dealt with that hedge fund, Long Term Capital Management in the economic sphere. If you're going to use huhudious financial instruments, you should go all out and be as outrageous as you can. If you're going to go into debt, you should borrow as much as you can. You should run up the most irresponsible deficits, as seems to be current policy, or as was the case in the glorious Savings and Loan past (with kind regards to presidential candidate Senator John McCain, proud member of The Keating Five).
The lesson is that you can indeed be too big to fail.
We've all read My Life as a Fake, haven't we? It's all about the hustle.
We live in the era of identity theft.
The President of the Democratic Republic of Congo, Joseph Kabila recently received a curious letter. It was addressed to him by Major General Joseph Kabila. It concerned the latter's resignation from the army so that he could concentrate on campaigning for the presidency.
In case you weren't paying attention, the issue is this: he accepted his own letter of resignation.
See also: How To Hand Over To Yourself.
Do note that it has never been clear who promoted him to the status of Major General of the Congolese Army. I am still reeling at the cheek of this Messiah of the huhudious. But then I recalled that he was only following in the footsteps of Joseph Mobutu aka Mobutu Sese Seko ("The all-powerful warrior who, because of his endurance and inflexible will to win, will go from conquest to conquest, leaving fire in his wake").
Still, in sputtering about for historical precedents, I had reach back to the year 1804 and Napoleon's coronation. You might recall the then historically-unprecedented excercise in which, Napoleon huhudiously crowned himself Emperor.
The Beatification of Actors
The Angola dossier that was handed to me last year made a passing mention of CNN celebrating its 25th anniversary with an award for the Top 25 most fascinating people of the past quarter-century.
The usual suspects were there: Nelson Mandela, Lech Walesa, Osama bin Laden, Ayatollah Khomeini and John Paul II who had just passed (he was an actor). I'll pass over Ronald Reagan being number one since nostalgia is pervasive after all, and he was another former actor who had passed away the previous year.
What struck me however was that the 43rd President of the United States was placed fourth in this list. Recall if you will that this was a vote by the editors of CNN and Time magazine. I do realize that these are journalists and not historians hence they might be missing the big picture. Still it gave me pause. Now the 43rd President of the United States is many things to many people. Fascinating is something that not even his relatives, let alone his wife would call him. He doesn't need his staff to compare him to Truman or Lincoln or anything else, the liberal editors of CNN and Time magazine already crowned him.
Of Wider Applicability
At his graduation in 1995, yours truly ruminated on Ghanaian politics instead of drinking champagne.
The utter mediocrity of the jokers who are ruling us boggles the mind. Their idiosyncrasies, pettiness, moral failings, violence or personal corruption aside, they are a truly incompetent bunch. It is sad to say this and maybe other politicians are/will be no better. But since those who rule us set the tone in a country, their impact is felt in our family homes... and all over the country.This just in: a seal has died on the shore of Quincy Beach. Stay tuned for more details.
Sample Usage IV
"As the trial drew to a close, his lawyers submitted a number of huhudious motions in the case".
It is hard to know where to start when I look at my part of the world. In any case, the winners of the Huhudious Awards 2005 - West African Edition are President Laurent Gbagbo of Cote D'Ivoire, his wife and her death squads, and Blé Goudé head of the Young Patriots. The citation is for ordering the Ivorian Air Force to bombard a French camp and the rebels with which they had supposedly been negotiating with, killing nine peacekeepers and an American aid worker in an attempt to reignite the Ivorian civil war and precipitate a "Rwanda of the West" (as if the experiences of Sierra Leone and Liberia were not enough in our sub-region).
Jacques Chirac's response, delivered 15 minutes after he was informed of the events and the death of his men, was the destruction of the entire Ivorian air force.
It is sad to say, but Gbagbo and company were at it a few months ago, possibly trying to get a head start on the 2006 ceremonies.
But back to lighter topics: the Sierra Leonean civil war.
It's funny what sets me off and I suppose this is instructive... Nicholas Kristof in an aside in his recent examination of Osama Bin Laden's audio editorial on Darfur, made a quite startling claim that
"Madeleine Albright helped end the horrors of Sierra Leone simply by going there and being photographed with maimed children."Now on the face of it that sentence is accurate; it meshes well with a sense of piety, broken taboos, and the feelgood factor. There are rhetorical echoes of Princess Diana's selfless humanitarianism towards victims of AIDS and landmines.
Now I have great respect for Madelaine Albright whose achievements and breaking of glass ceilings should be celebrated by all. Similarly I have great respect for Nicholas Kristof and his prize-winning efforts in crusading against child prostitution, ending the Darfur conflict and all around journalistic muckracking in a long and wonderful career. Thus you may ask yourself why I would bring that sentence up in connection with "startling" and all things huhudious. Well...
During her time, first as ambassador to the United Nations, and then as Secretary of State of the most powerful country of the world, Madelaine Albright stood by and let the combination of Pat Robertson and Jesse Jackson, the strangest of bedfellows that I can think of, run US policy towards Liberia and Sierra Leone. The foreign policy that those two advocated, and that she implemented, consisted of coddling those murderers Charles Taylor and Foday Sankoh in return for logging concessions (echoes of the long legacy of the Firestone corporation and its rubber plantations) and blood diamonds (which have now seen "blowback" as the preferred currency of "those evildoers"). I'll pass over her and her boss' behaviour on the Rwanda issue (active resistance to even minimal intervention by even the Africans: the Ghanaian soldiers who were there on the ground and had to stand by and watch are shadows of themselves these days, Romeo Dallaire is said to have attempted suicide many times; and we know all about those who didn't survive that conflict, and the walking wounded that did). Further, I'll pass over the more insiduous and ongoing policy of selling landmines and weapons systems of all kinds to the continent, that military-industrial complex business (or is it weapons of minimal destruction?).
I view Pat Robertson and Jesse Jackson as simply The Quiet American Theory revisited as the loud, oratorical encomiums of Country Preachers in matters outside of their competence. A grifter notion of dissident self-importance, hustler chic perhaps? Madelaine Albright, while receiving accolades as a doyenne of sagacity, should be duly savaged for dereliction of duty. Further, Nicholas Kristof should stick to things closer to home. Travel journalism as foreign policy can be lethal, and the consequent false pieties and celebration of post-facto "I feel your pain" photo-ops are simply huhudious. I appreciate pat notions of liberalism but, too often, they devolve into the rhetoric of 'Chutzpah' Thomas Friedman and his Flat World stylings or Michael Ignatieff's Manifest Destiny. I prefer good old Samuel Huntington's Clash of Civilizations or Francis Fukuyama's End of History garbage to this self-congratulatory nonsense.
Don't bring yourself.
Sample Usage V
A typical newspaper headline:
"Huhudious acts at VRA".Which reminds me: the scary thing about Condoleezza Rice is that she actually believes it. For others like Dick Cheney and his ostensible boss, it is the plain exercise of power, or perhaps reading one's lines, depending on one's point of view. Those who actually believe in it are far more interesting psychologically because they cause confusion amongst the troops. What was Condoleezza's Road to Damascus moment, I wonder? Food for thought...
Recall, if you will, the derivation of the word huhudious:
ABC "were looting the country's finances while claiming" XYZThen you read this: US war costs 'could hit $811bn'
The cost of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan has soared and may now reach $811bn, says a report by the Congressional Research Service.
General Asserts Right On Self-Incrimination In Iraq Abuse Cases
Maj. Gen. Geoffrey D. Miller, a central figure in the U.S. detainee-abuse scandal, this week invoked his right not to incriminate himself in court-martial proceedings against two soldiers accused of using dogs to intimidate captives at the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq, according to lawyers involved in the case.A full general mind you, a "man of honour"... and he hasn't faced any reprimand for his efforts to "Gitmo-ize" Abu Ghraib. Or rather, when a reprimand was strongly recommended, the Pentagon panel that reviewed it quietly declined to apply it. They couldn't face the heart of darkness. They preferred things fall apart, and an administrative retirement...
I don't know why people are calling for Donald Rumsfeld's resignation these days. If the President, the Vice President, the Defense Secretary, the Attorney General and those faceless lawyers at the Office of Legal Counsel were the ones who instituted the policies of woe that are now causing recrimination and blowback, the more interesting people are the enforcers.
Under Secretary of Defense for Intelligence Stephen Cambone was the chief enforcer and architect of Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib, erustication and worse. Even if he'll never face the legal consequences, he ostensibly has the proverbial blood on his hands - albeit at a clinical remove and morally sanitized with self-righteous disinfectant.
If Carl Levin had said "it all depends on what the meaning of 'is' is", he wouldn't have been far from the truth, but he would have scored an own-goal. I suggest however that Senator Levin could have done with the word huhudious.
Maj. Gen. Miller was asked during a May 19, 2004, congressional hearing on the Abu Ghraib scandal if he had talked with Cambone or Deputy Undersecretary of Defense for Intelligence Lt. Gen. William G. Boykin after Miller's "assessment" visit to Abu Ghraib. Miller replied that he had submitted a written report about his visit to the U.S. Southern Command in Miami, Fla., but had no discussions with Cambone or Boykin. "I had no direct discussions with Secretary Cambone or General Boykin," Miller said.
But three months later Miller told attorneys a different story. As the Chicago Tribune reported in July 2005, Miller said in a recorded statement, "Following our return in the fall, I gave an outbrief to both Dr. Wolfowitz and Secretary Cambone."
"Maj. Gen. Miller's apparent position that he did not discuss the subject with Undersecretary Cambone but that he briefed Cambone on the same subject is a distinction without a difference to me," said Sen. Carl Levin, the senior Democrat on the Senate Armed Services Committee.
Like that other Stephen, Hadley that is, of the National Security Council, it is quite entertaining to see the little bureaucratic maneuverings that these seasoned operatives use to cover their behinds.
The cover story for the gruesome atrocities at Camp Nama (their extent is still classified) is a conveniently-leaked "exonerating" note that Mr Cambone supposedly wrote ordering his deputy to
"Get to the bottom of this immediately... In particular I want to know if this is part of a pattern of behavior".It is much like the Leaker-in-Chief pointing his finger belligerently and intoning that "I want to know who did the leak". The man who instituted the "pattern of behavior" wants to know if it is part of a pattern of behavior? And then he'll be the one to investigate himself? What a huhudious notion.
I see hooded prisoners, barking dogs, summary beatings, electrical shocks and worse when I read about that huhudious duo, Undersecretary Stephen "Blood" Cambone and Major General Geoffrey "Gitmo-ize" Miller... Continuing my excursions in metaphorical excess, they lie at the bottom of a barrel overflowing with moral turpitude.
But back to lighter topics...
A Spring Day, April 2006
On a day in which it was reported that April was the deadliest month this year for GIs in Iraq...
On a day in which Kenneth "Kenny Boy" Lay, in his trial for world record fiscal chicanery at Enron, displayed huhudious chops in his defense
The Enron corporate murder mystery is solved. The investors did it.Bruce Meyerson of the Associated Press called it "blaming the victim", I call it huhudious in the extreme. They've got gruesomely enlarged gonads.
That is essentially who Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling have blamed by describing the energy trading company’s collapse as a "classic run on the bank" during testimony at their fraud trial in Houston.
Had investors and creditors not run scared as the scandal unfolded in 2001, dumping their Enron shares and refusing to lend more money, the company and its purportedly healthy business wouldn’t have been forced into bankruptcy, the former top two officers of Enron argued.
On a day in which the World Food Program announced that it would have to halve the rations for nearly 3 million refugees in Darfur, Sudan due to a "severe funding shortfall"...
3 million refugees? For God's sake, I have no more tears to cry.
On a day in which the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) submitted its report and George W. Bush took yet another occasion to gleefully rattle sabers about "unacceptable" things in Iran and the "firm resolve" to keep all options on the table...
On a day in which Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad vowed that Iran's nuclear programme was 'irreversible'...
On that day, I was reminded of Evelyn Waugh's wistful zinger
"Wars don't start nowadays because people want them. We long for peace, and fill our newspapers with conferences about disarmament and arbitration, but there is a radical instability in our whole world-order, and soon we shall all be walking into the jaws of destruction again, protesting our pacific intentions."On a day in which the Wall St Journal reported allegations of hookers beeing procured for the "relaxation" of righteous congressmen by contractors in exchange for currying favour...
"Well, you seem to know all about it," said Mr. Outrage, "and I think should have been told sooner."
On a day in which Public Moralist-in-Chief, Rush Limbaugh turned himself in on a plea-bargained and quite lenient "deferred prosecution" of personal addictions and doctor shopping...
On a day in which Saddam Hussein turned 69 years old behind bars, the burning question asked was "whether he had received a birthday cake". The US military spokesman remained tight-lipped and noted only that "He is treated humanely and in full accordance with international standards".
It is clear that Saddam is going to be executed in time for an American election. I fiercely reject the death penalty, I prefer the sight of huhudious tryants of all sorts having to face anonymous judges, rapacious lawyers and bureaucratic process. That spectacle is far more satisfying and cathartic to my mind. Franz Kafka's trial bureaucracy is their just reward.
A Cautious Experiment
Just in time for the 2006 midterm elections, we hear that the new chairmen of the Federal Reserve Ben Bernanke will play it by ear
The Fed May Stand Back and Watch the Numbers for a WhileA cautious experiment huh? Echoes of "voodoo economics"... A huhudious policy more like.
The chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben S. Bernanke, indicated on Thursday that the central bank was ready for a cautious experiment.
Despite unexpectedly strong economic growth in recent months, and some evidence of a risk of higher inflation, Mr. Bernanke told Congress that the Fed's policy-making committee might pause temporarily in its two-year campaign to raise interest rates.
Kingmakers of Redmond
One theory about the result of the 2004 US presidential elections that I haven't seen discussed much is the effect of an unexpected dividend, namely: Microsoft Announces Payouts to Investors Wednesday, July 21, 2004,
First Step Valued At $32 BillionI assume that this was just financial savvy at work, if the election had swung the other way, a few tax loopholes might have been closed and that payday would have been lost. Still, the timing was very interesting and the largesse was unprecedented. As far as I can tell, there was no pressing demand for something that the company had long disdained. I hope some economist can show the effect of that surplus cash on the US economy; to my reckoning, that's like private financing of 8 months of the war in Iraq. Now don't get me wrong, like anybody who owns a mutual fund in America, I got my microdollars that year, and shared some of the fruits of hard work and the occasional monopoly profits.
Microsoft Corp., which has amassed an unparalleled cash hoard of nearly $60 billion from its world-dominating software business, announced yesterday that it would return a large chunk of it to shareholders, much of it through a one-time dividend of $3 for every share held by investors.
With 10.79 billion shares outstanding as of March 31, the company will pay out more than $32 billion in that one stroke
The Chinese are Coming
The MC named Jin is not a great rapper, he's more of a muckraker and verbal backstreet brawler, the kind who, like Busta Rhymes is a great guest artist on a song but a little jarring at album length. He did manage to tone down his cacophonous inclinations for his most successful and inspired song, the suitably named Learn Chinese ("Y'all gonna learn Chinese"). Some evidence:
President Hu Jintao met with Microsoft President Bill Gates in Seattle before meeting US President George W. Bush during his "inspection tour".
China and Nigeria agree oil deal in which "China will invest $4bn in oil and infrastructure projects in Nigeria".
20 years ago, it was the Middle East that was the terrain for the Great Game. These days it is Latin America and Africa that are the New Frontiers. I love tomorrow but I'm scared of what we have seen so far. Perhaps there is something to be said for relative neglect.
Sample usage VI
"Any figures that will be finally given will be tainted by the huhudious hide-and-seek our elders are playing"."Jon 'Guilty Pleasure' Swift" explicates this best: Due Compensation at Exxon?
Take Lee Raymond the chairman of Exxon Mobil, who is retiring this year. Although he has been taking some flak from a few pundits who have squawked that his $400 million retirement package is excessive, when you crunch the numbers it turns out that Raymond is grossly underpaid.
Last year Exxon made the biggest profit of any company in history, due almost entirely to record gas prices. Do people think those gas prices just raised themselves on their own? Of course not. Raymond deserves the credit for coming up with the idea to raise gas prices and blame it on global supply and demand. It was a courageous business decision to make in the middle of a war, one that might have backfired.
Lobbyist Sought $9 Million to Set Bush Meeting
The lobbyist Jack Abramoff asked for $9 million in 2003 from the president of a small West African nation (Gabon) to arrange a meeting with President Bush and directed his fees to a Maryland company now under federal scrutiny, according to newly disclosed documents.
Who's Omar Bongo you might ask? Omar Bongo has been President of Gabon for 39 years. He is described as that country's "President for life". I suspect only Fidel Castro has had greater longevity in power.
Axis of Hypocrisy
Last year, I tried to promote Arnie, or rather ARNIE, the Axis of Righteous Neocon Infamy and Excess, to no avail. No one liked my neologism. The subtle allusion to the Groping Terminator of B-movie and California fame and to Tom Delay, former exterminator, and now former senator per his legal troubles, was all for nought. Axis of Hypocrisy was a pithier formulation and sadly it remains relevant...
But first a blast from the past, those long forgotten 1980s, that decade of the Bonfire of the Vanities, Savings and Loan, crack epidemics and above-all, Money.
Let's go back to those glorious days when we met gruesome dictators sitting on a pile of oil, and shook their hands firmly and supplied them with weapon systems, closing our eyes while they dealt poisonous gas on their citizens or the armies of those neighbouring Mullahs.
Things have changed a lot in the past twenty years haven't they?
On April 17, 2006, Condeleezza Rice met with Teodoro Obiang Nguema.
Who's Obiang Nguema you ask? That would be Equatorial Guinean President Teodoro Obiang Nguema. I have much to say about him but it wouldn't be nice and my parents taught me not to give vent to my frustration. Thus I'll let the nice folks at the Washington Post describe him:
A somewhat unsavory and corrupt character who seized power in a 1979 coup, runs a regime regularly condemned by the State Department for human rights violations, including torture, beatings, abuse and deaths of prisoners and suspects. He's gotten as much as 97 percent of the vote in recent elections, he told CBS's "60 Minutes" a while back, but that was because "there is no one left in the opposition."Sidenote:
Human rights groups and, we hear, folks inside the State Department, were beside themselves that Rice would meet with what one advocate called "one of the most brutal, most corrupt and unreconstructed dictators in the world." (We would opt for the lunatic Kim Jong Il, but let's not quibble.)
- Equatorial Guinea is sub-Saharan Africa’s third largest oil producer.
- Obiang Nguema was famously described as a tropical gangster in Robert Klitgaard's bestselling book of that name.
Rights Take Backseat to Oil
Searching for energy supplies and allies against Iran, the Bush administration is reaching out to leaders who rule countries that are rich in oil and gas but accused of authoritarian rule and human rights violations.Strange bedfellows doesn't begin to capture this huhudious life.
The presidents of Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan and Equatorial Guinea are all getting special attention. The effort sometimes seems at odds with President Bush's stated second-term goal of spreading democracy.
"I can tell you that nothing has really taken me aback as secretary of state than the way that the politics of energy is – I will use the word 'warping' – diplomacy around the world," Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee this month.
Rice herself drew some fire for welcoming Equatorial Guinean President Teodoro Obiang Nguema to the State Department as "a good friend".
The B-movie Theory
I'll stop writing about the B-movie Theory when I stop seeing the daily evidence of its motive force in human affairs (or perhaps when the copyright lawyers come my way). Life is now a matter of political theatre and politics as theatre. I seek solace in the Urban Griot soundtrack which is the only thing that helps me get through these strange days. Until things change, I'll harken back to Curtis Mayfield singing Don't Worry (If There's A Hell Below, We're All Gonna Go). As he sang:
They're all political actorsI'm also always going to be singing from the songbook of the prescient Gil Scott-Heron, who was a keen detector all of things huhudious. The song is "B" movie.
And Nixon talking about "Don't worry".
He says "Don't worry".
But they all know
If there's a hell below
We're all gonna go
We're all actors in this I suppose...
What has happened is that in the last 20 years, America has changed from a producer to a consumer. And all consumers know that when the producer names the tune the consumer has got to dance. That’s the way it is. We used to be a producer – very inflexible at that, and now we are consumers and, finding it difficult to understand. Natural resources and minerals will change your world. The Arabs used to be in the 3rd World. They have bought the 2nd World and put a firm down payment on the 1st one. Controlling your resources will control your world. This country has been surprised by the way the world looks now. They don’t know if they want to be Matt Dillon or Bob Dylan. They don’t know if they want to be diplomats or continue the same policy - of nuclear nightmare diplomacy. John Foster Dulles ain’t nothing but the name of an airport now.
The idea concerns the fact that this country wants nostalgia.
They want to go back as far as they can – even if it’s only as far as last week. Not to face now or tomorrow, but to face backwards. And yesterday was the day of our cinema heroes riding to the rescue at the last possible moment. The day of the man in the white hat or the man on the white horse - or the man who always came to save America at the last moment – someone always came to save America at the last moment – especially in "B" movies. And when America found itself having a hard time facing the future, they looked for people like John Wayne. But since John Wayne was no longer available, they settled for Ronald Reagan – and it has placed us in a situation that we can only look at – like a "B" movie...
A theme song for saber-rallying and selling wars door-to-door...
Put your orders in America. And quick as Kodak your leaders duplicate with the accent being on the dupe - cause all of a sudden we have fallen prey to selective amnesia - remembering what we want to remember and forgetting what we choose to forget.
As Wall Street goes, so goes the nation. And here’s a look at the closing numbers – racism's up, human rights are down, peace is shaky, war items are hot - the House claims all ties. Jobs are down, money is scarce – and common sense is at an all-time low with heavy trading.
Movies were looking better than ever and now no one is looking because we’re starring in a "B" movie. And we would rather have John Wayne - we would rather have John Wayne.
I love B-movies. The Wife complains regularly that the Netflix queue overfloweth with B-movies. I wish however that the B-movie stays on the silver screen or living room television and doesn't become policy and real life roadkill. Huhudious events are frequent in the world of The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Africans are the long-suffering bar and restaurant owners who pay protection money to the "good" Clint "Blondie" Eastwood, get ripped off by the "ugly" Eli "Tuco" Wallach, or killed by the "bad" Lee "Angel Eyes" Van Kleef. We are those whose children are blessed with stray bullets when filmmakers want to emphasize a passing point. We are the Mexican old ladies running in fear and gathering our loved ones under our long and tattered skirts as we hear that Valdez is coming. The tagline for that movie was "For Three Men The Civil War Wasn't Hell. It Was Practice!". In the words of Angola, that is remixed to "Oh they had themselves a field day of collateral damage". It's fair enough if the B-movie Theory is indeed the nature of the Great Game of life, so long as "I can see the blows coming", in the words of a good friend. Still, I could do without the huhudious posturing.
The Full Bolton
I live in a building with a relative of John Bolton. When we moved in eight months ago, I saw the name on the mailbox, shook my head, and broke out into kotokious laughter - another Ghanaian neologism, an adjective that combines the notions of inspired serendipity and Murphy's Law. Surely it couldn't be? Living in a typically anomic western apartment building, one never gets to know one's neighbours unless one makes an especial effort. But perhaps this is a cultural universal, city life is what it is, and even back home, the ties that bind are being loosened. As it was, I never figured out who this man was... Last week however, as I was picking up my mail, I saw someone idling up and opening said mailbox. I looked askance and took in the haircut, noticing the same insouciant gray mess. I pondered the belligerent look - it's genetic apparently, and looked up and down at the scruffy clothes - it's garden-variety noblesse oblige. I smiled, and said "Good afternoon"; we then exchanged the customary pleasantries. He's a nice guy it seems, and I was as cheery as could be. At the back of my mind however, was a worry about being victim of The Full Bolton or an Italian Job. I hope I left a good impression.
I return to Gil Scott-Heron
[repeat 22 times in an increasingly militaristic manner]The B-movie Theory: we live in huhudious times and are governed by huhudious rulers; our only escape is nostalgia.
This ain't really your life,
Ain't really your life,
Ain't really, ain't nothing but a movie.
Next in Part 9: The Books of Nima
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