Soul Insurance (Part 7 Premiums Due)

Between the collection agency and replacement cost... Part 7 of Soul Insurance (see previously)

VII. Premiums Due

The claims adjuster was about to unleash his latest creation, a new variant
Time was running out for the three tribes and he was getting impatient
As per the umbrella protocol, he'd made sure to duly advise the council
For he was rather set on properly adjudicating the dirty rotten scoundrels

They'd had fair warning, and humanity's continued obstinacy was astounding
Moreover, after the past year, they ought to have known that no one was coming.
So he quite expected the scrutiny
  of the judicial review to be merely pro-forma
Gathered at the council were the chief gods:
   Nyame, Nyankopon and Odomankoma

Just then Asase Yaa walked into the Supreme Court
   to make her representation
The others were startled, and plunged into a state of consternation
For, by her very presence, there was no denying the shameful implication
That divinity in all its forms had not been not making their contributions

"I see here that you are gathered
   with kangaroo outcomes envisaged for humanity
Even as a not inconsiderable number
  of their species bear soul insurance policies
Indeed, I myself have issued
  excessive liability certificates for some, I can attest
What kind of blind justice are you proposing at this stage?
  Wherefore due process?"

The claims adjuster snorted, this was a dubious argument of the sort
That a newly-appointed prosecutor would have seen thrown out of court
Yet, being delivered by Asase Yaa, with such eloquent simplicity
It seemed to be impressing on the gods a touch of vigilante hesitancy

At length they made to withdraw
  to confer privately in the Elysian chambers
Much to the disappointment of the claims adjuster,
   Asase Yaa had stolen his thunder
The sole human observer to the proceedings
   sat concerned, his face drained of hope
Meanwhile outside, observers were worried,
  waiting for the white puffs of smoke

While there were no minutes recorded, Dear Reader,
   of the gods' deliberation
It stands to reason that Nyankopon broke the tie,
   for it was a split decision
For all intents and purposes,
  future generations would behold it as a fudge
They'd settled the case on a technical provision
   like a Republican judge

"We will honor any and all soul insurance liability certificates
If all premiums are fully paid up, as per the auditor's designates
Blanket coverage will not be extended due to humanity's historic neglect
Delinquent accounts should be actively suspended with immediate effect"

"We recognize the temptations of the fruit of knowledge as an attractive nuisance
But recommend that, going forward,
   humanity's curriculum include honor and obeisance
We've even waived, in this instance,
   our usual scrutiny of the uninsured as a consensus
Asase Yaa held sway over strenuous objections by Nyame about the fate of the least of us"

The adjuster was not used to being stymied
  but, then, what could you do?
The only recourse to satisfaction was the detail
   that he beheld on page two
The ostensible soul insurance provider was a rank outsider
Who went by the name of The Incorrigible Ananse the Spider

The elders of the three tribes had been alerted
   to the impending decision
That they would now have to pay the piper
  per the judgment was the obligation
The Wan tribe had been chastened
  by the initial burden of the plague they'd weathered
Their linguist held the position that the premiums
   were a small price to pay to be sheltered

"If a crop fails, it is part of the risk we assumed,
  it's not time for disbelief.
And with the kind of losses we've already faced,
   we are mindful of The Laws of Grief
Remember that the claims adjuster has threatened us with a season of migration
If he can find grounds on which we've welched
   on any terms and conditions"

The scribes from Agona in the torrid zone
   had seen the ballooning liability
"We ought to resist nostalgia,
  and find our soul insurance in community
And build a new world, cherish the day,
   and have love for one another"
They were mindful about living under the shadow of the claims adjuster

But there was deadlock, the linguists of the Usher tribe still believed,
Ignoring all evidence to the contrary that the rest had perceived,
That they could wiggle out from underneath the contract against all odds
And impress their opinion of the fine print in negotiation with the gods

Ananse was playing the long game,
   he loved this type of two-sided market
Remember, you reap what you sow
  when it's time to collect the harvest
His favorite business model was toll collecting,
   he stressed its importance
Moreover he liked his shell games well rigged,
   he craved their indulgence

He preferred his dice duly loaded, his answers pre-rehearsed
Of their capitalist inclinations, he was, indeed, well versed
His intentions he kept well hidden, it paid to be discreet
But now was the moment of reckoning, he rose up to speak

Call me Captain Obvious but I'm no Goody Two Shoes
Of your Never Never Man tendencies,
  I see that you can't be disabused
But I, Ananse the Spider, am unmoved
  and, on this subject, will not relent
When the snake is in the house
  there's no need to discuss the matter at length

Buyer beware, how many warnings does it take?
You human beings keep making the same mistakes
Living in the torrid zone you should have been mindful of subtle hints
I gave you numerous chances, yet you failed to examine the fine print

Selective amnesia, short term hubris, and wishful thinking
Huhudious behavior all around, and copious palm wine drinking
Discarding the well-worn terrain of the mosquito principle
Acting, for all intents and purposes, as if you were invincible

I can save you from the claims adjuster's wrath,
   your insurance provider
The end is in sight for this covidious plague,
   you are soul survivors
I can take you higher, right here on earth, we can build Elysium
Payment is due, all that remains is the matter of your premiums

These trying times have been an object lesson
   in humanity's curriculum
Throughout, yours truly has been dispensing wisdom,
  such is my asylum
It's no use moping around now, asking
   what paradise have we lost?
My brand of soul insurance is fully yours,
   and at replacement cost

At this, the gathered tribes suddenly realized
  they were left with no other option
With the threat of the looming claims adjuster,
   they made to take up collection
After pocketing his fees, Ananse settled the matter
  , he was proud of his endurance
As usual he would have the last word:
   "This is the price you pay for soul insurance"

Premiums Due

A soundtrack to this collection notice. (spotify version)

• Love is Overdue by Gregory Isaacs
  Some prefer the version with U-Roy but all versions, even Dennis Brown's respectful cover are essential
• Your Heart Is Gonna Pay by Alton Ellis
• I Go Pay You Tomorrow by A.B. Crentsil
  The deadbeat's mantra explicitly stated in this cheery slice of highlife

  I want to forget my problems
  I want to forget my sorrows
  Life is hard for me
  I go pay you tomorrow
  
  If I booze, I go forget my problems
  If I booze, I go forget my sorrows
  If I booze, I go forget my trouble
  I don't know wetin I go do
  I go pay you tomorrow

• Respect Due by Junior Reid
• Liberation Dues by Oneness of Juju
• Nuff Respect by Big Daddy Kane
• All in due time by Gladys Knight
• No Pay No Play by Ronny Jordan
• Who'll Pay Reparations On My Soul by Gil Scott Heron
• Ain't Nothin' Goin' On but the Rent by Gwen Guthrie
  This ties back to the Rent is Due playlist that kicked off our covidious series. The bill collector is at humanity's door.

Soul Insurance (Index)

A covidious folktale

1. Ananse and the Chief's Scribe
2. Enter the Claims Adjuster
3. An Audience with the Linguist
4. Pity the Mink
5. Short Sale
6. Excessive Liabilities
7. Premiums Due
8. Soul Insurance, a playlist
9. Indemnity Provisions
10. Full Circle
11. Enforcement Actions
12. The Die is Cast

All of the forgoing were written in a weeklong burst in March 2021. The original conception was a sonnet but after about 5,000 words, I gave up on brevity.

This bill of goods is part of a series: In a covidious time.

Next: Soul Insurance, a playlist

File under: humour, satire, culture, observation, folktale, Ghana, Africa, storytelling, whimsy, myth, coronavirus, pandemic, Social Living, Things Fall Apart, Observers are worried, Buyer's Remorse, covidious, poetry, toli

Writing log: Part 7 March 27, 2021