Buyer's Remorse (Part 1 Buying Opportunity)

He who tests the depth of a stream with both feet must be prepared to swim.

— Ewe proverb

I. Buying Opportunity

The Usher tribe were enamored of commerce, it was all about the money
They flexed their pro-market inclinations rather vigorously
Always to be found looking for the next selling opportunity
They put a price on every aspect of life, it all came naturally

Their singular commercial virtue was a seamless ease with amnesia
Cultural memory was lacking with this lot, in its place lived nostalgia
They'd end up selling end-user certificates to the highest bidder
Even to those whose atrocities they'd conveniently fail to remember

Their praetorian guard maintained that the Ushers only had interests
Friendship for them was transactional per their princes of darkness
Onerous rules and regulations could be ignored when necessary
For when push came to shove, with them it was always monetary

The lesson the rest of the world had learned through hard experience
Was to take their every grand pronouncement with a grain of salt
Lest one be caught wrong-footed and stuck, unrequited, waiting for assistance
Their sweet promises of support were consequently discounted as a result

Still, they believed their own rhetoric, that the customer was always right
High on their own supply when they were dominant, when might made right
For the longest time they were producers, and maintained this direction
But the world had changed following their consultants' mercenary suggestions

It's not that there was a level playing field these days
For the gods have always played favorites come what may
But the advantages they'd long had, their openness and dynamism
Had been trumped with the whole world now engulfed in paroxysm

They'd suffered the highest death toll in the global crisis
Despite being equipped with the greatest advantages
For want of a bolt, they'd forsaken their soul insurance
With a dizzying display of hubris and rank incompetence

Even so, they expected that they could rebrand post-haste and wow
After all, an elephant which is lean is still fatter than a cow
It was just a matter of marketing after the global pause
They'd jump right back to business and merely await the applause

The chief's scribe and the linguist made to ready their next campaign
With the Okyeame onboard the only issue was which slogan to reframe
The new formula, new and improved, there was really no need for subtle hints
The power of wishful thinking meant people would ignore weasel words in the fine print

...

Fifi had built a little emporium with the fruits of his previous compromises
Albeit, in less polite society, those payments might well have been called bribes
His was a going concern even under these trying circumstances
Of isolation protocols, hygiene theater, and social avoidance

He'd heard about the surge in the east and now expected another wave
But the elders had moved on, barely acknowledging the previous close shaves
He could see from the glint in their eyes that a deal was in the making
It was just a matter of patience, opportunity would surely come knocking

He wondered who would accompany that rascal Ananse the Spider
He had struck Fifi as someone who always needed an insider
The disguise of guilelessness that would send you on a fool's errand
His modus operandi in his nefarious dealings was rather transparent

He could envisage the broad outline of the strategy of the trickster
Most likely, a squeeze play pitting the elders against the claims adjuster
And while he waited for the renewed approach of the erstwhile tempter
He recalled those ancient words of wisdom: caveat emptor

Buying Opportunity, a playlist

A soundtrack for this note. There's a price to be paid. (spotify version)

• Ain't There Something Money Can't Buy by Young-Holt Unlimited
• Can't Buy Love by Johnny Osborne
• Can't Buy Me Love by The Beatles
• Can't Buy Me by Femi Kuti
• Opportunities (Let's Make Lots of Money) by Pet Shop Boys
  The boys were appropriately cynical as befits antidotes to the Thatcher-Reagan consensus. In a different genre it would be the musical equivalent of Martin Amis's Money.
• Can't Buy Soul by Hebrew Rogers
• Money Can't Buy It by Annie Lennox
• Who Will Buy? by Jon Lucien
• Buyer's Blues by Billy Byers & Martial Solal
• I'll Buy You A Star by Kenny Burrell
• I'll Buy You A Star by Betty Carter

Buyer's Remorse (Series Index)

A covidious folktale

1. Buying Opportunity
2. Tempting the Town Crier
3. The Situation Thereof

See previously: Soul Insurance

This folktale is part of a series: In a covidious time.

Next in Part 2: Tempting the Town Crier

File under: humour, satire, culture, observation, folktale, Ananse, storytelling, whimsy, myth, coronavirus, pandemic, Social Living, Things Fall Apart, Observers are worried, Buyer's Remorse, hatchet job, covidious, poetry, toli

Writing log. May 2, 2022